Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
