i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
