you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
