well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
