just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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