My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
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It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
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Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS