She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
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I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.