Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
