Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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