My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
