You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
