if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
