Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Couch. On fire.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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