I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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