I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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