I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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