too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
