i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
