then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
