Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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