Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
