I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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