Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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