Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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