Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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