I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
