Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
