i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
