FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
