Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
