and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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