i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
