3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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