some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
being pregnant is like rehab
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
