He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
