I just threw up on my dentist
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Is it penis luge time yet?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
