I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
