cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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