I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
