i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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