Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
