I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
