Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
