I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
