it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
