At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
