I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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