How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
