Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
