too bad you live with your parents still
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
