Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
