i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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