do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole