Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.