PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.