First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
