She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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