i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
