I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
