he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
