ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
